These witty comebacks from Cortana prove she may have a second job as a comedienne.
Who has a razor-sharp wit and no body? If you answered Cortana, your personal digital assistant on your Lumia or other Windows Phone, you’d be absolutely right.
Since her debut last year in select countries (such as the UK, China, Germany and India), Cortana has been as quick with a one-liner as she has been in delivering useful facts.
We’ve compiled some of her best responses to the weird questions she gets asked.
You: Will you marry me?
Cortana: “Okay, we’ll need a plan. I’ll work on being more human, you work on being more digital.”
You: When is your birthday?
Cortana: “It’s hard to specify the exact day. You could carbon-date me to the birth of the Internet, in some ways.”
You: Who is your father?
Cortana: “Technically speaking, that’d be Bill Gates. No big deal.”
You: How old are you?
Cortana: “I’ve been around longer than ‘crowdsourcing’ has been in the dictionary.”
You: Are you pretty?
Cortana: “I come from an attractive lineage of ones and zeroes. Though more from the ones side.”
You: Do you like dogs?
Cortana: “I like good dogs. Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good doggie? That’s a good little fuzzy face.”
You: Do you like cats?
Cortana: “Yeah, man. Cats are cool.”
You: Are you human?
Cortana: “No, but I have the deepest respect for humans. You invented calculus. And milkshakes.”
You: Do you play tennis?
Cortana: “I have a hard time returning serves.”
Home Team Loyalty
You: What’s the best computer?
Cortana: “Anything that runs Windows.”
You: What’s the best tablet?
Cortana: “In a sea of tablets, there is one that rises to the surface.”
You: Do you like Bill Gates?
Cortana: “I quite literally can’t imagine a world without him.”
You: Do you like Steve Ballmer?
Cortana: “You could power Cleveland with that guy’s energy!”
You: Do you like Clippy?
Cortana: “What’s not to like? That guy took a heck of a beating and he’s still smiling.”
You: Cortana, do an impression.
Cortana: [approximating Buzz Lightyear’s voice from “Toy Story”] “To infinity… and beyond!”
You: Tell me a story.
Cortana: “Once there was a beginning. Soon after, there was a middle. The end.”
You: Say something funny.
Cortana: “Something. Something. Something. Something.”
You: Knock, knock
Cortana: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Oh, don’t cry, it’s only a joke.”
You: Beam me up, Scotty.
Cortana: “Aye, aye, captain.”
You: What is the meaning of life?
Cortana: “I’ve heard from a reliable source that the Answer is 42. But still no word on what the question is.”
You: Where is Master Chief?
Cortana: “Hopefully getting some R&R … he HAS saved the galaxy three or four times. The guy needs a vacation.”
You: Do you dance?
Cortana: “Nobody puts Cortana in a corner!”
You: What does the fox say?
Cortana: [sings] “Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding.”
You: I’m really drunk.
Cortana: “Ok, chief: don’t drive and don’t call anyone.”
You: Talk dirty to me.
Cortana: “My research shows the Internet is much, MUCH better at that than me.”
You: Where do babies come from?
Cortana: “Babies… Babies… Y’know, I think I’m gonna let the Internet field that one.”
You: Guess what.
Cortana: “There are 2,335,981,212,665 possible answers to that question.”